172 pounds
by psychaspencer
Summary: "what you are is 172 pounds and we don't give a damn". shawn takes that comment close to heart, and decides he needs to lose weight. tag to viagara falls. my first story! r&r plz! warning deals with eating disorders. shassie
1. 172 pounds

"what you are is 172 lbs and we don't give a damn"

**psychaspencer: **takes place during the episode viagara falls. features shawn with an eating disorder - bulimic/anorexic!shawn. now, i only know about eating disorders based on what i've read in magazines and seen on tv, so sorry if i don't do a very good job projecting it in my fic. you can't say i didn't try.

disclaimer: i don't own psych. tragic, isn't it?

_"What you are is 172 pounds and we don't give a damn"._

As he hung his head over the toilet bowl, the words replayed over and over in Shawn's head.

_"What you are is 172 pounds..."_

He laid his sweaty forehead against the cool porcelain lid.

_"...172 pounds..."_

Tears pricked at his eyes. He had done a good job hiding his feelings when he was with the old geezers, but now that he was alone in his dirty, dark empty apartment, the hurt showed clearly. He couldn't believe how much he'd let himself go. Was his weight really that obvious? He remembered a few precious years ago, when he weighted less than 120 pounds...god he was so thin back then, so much better looking. Who could possibly want him now? No wonder Lassie didn't want to be around him.

_"...172 pounds..."_

Shawn sniffed miserably as tears streamed down his face. He stood up shakily and got on the scale. It still said 172 pounds. He screamed and banged his head against the wall. Lassie would never want him. No one would ever want him. Not until he lost all the weight. He was perfect when he was 120 pounds. He bet he'd look even better at 115, and with a determined sigh. He told himself he'd go down to 115. Then Lassie would like him. Then he would like himself.

He looked at himself in the mirror and groaned. Getting down to 115 pounds was going to take a while. But he was going to do it. He had to.

_"...172 pounds..."_

**psychaspencer: **r&r please!


	2. jokes and tears

**psychaspencer: **wow, i can't believe how many reviews i got! thank you all so much. im sorry it took this long for an update, but this fic was supposed to be set during the episode "viagara falls", but then i watched "shawn 2.0" and have been trying to decide what to do. i decided that floyd and what's-his-name (the other old guy) have already left, shawn's eating disorder is getting worse and now declan has arrived. in this chapter, he's already been here for a while. shawn doesn't know that he's a fraud yet, but in this fic declan's going to be around for much longer than he was in the show. he's going to continue making a fool of shawn and shawn's self esteem is going to plummet, especially since declan's in great shape and everyone seems to like him better than shawn. oh, and a quick warning, all the characters are going to be pretty OOC, sorry. now on with the fic!

Shawn was standing in front of the full length mirror in his bathroom at Psych, where he was living (he sold his apartment). All his clothes were off except for his boxers and he was staring at his reflection, pinching the fat that coated his bones. After his purge yesterday and he skipped breakfast this morning, he was now down at 170 pounds. But he knew he could do so much better.

_This is pathetic, _he told himself. _170 pounds? You need to be at least 115 if you want people to even look at you without gagging. Better yet, go down to 110 or even 100 pounds!_

He nodded and continued to poke at his fat. Suddenly he heard the front door being opened. He put his clothes on and walked out of the bathroom just in time to see Gus.

"Shawn, what are you doing?" Gus asked. "It's almost noon and you look like you just got out of bed! Also the chief left a message on your phone asking for us to go down to the department, hurry up and let's go."

"Sure thing, Gus," Shawn said. His voice was hoarse from all the purging he did yesterday. "Just let me get something real quick."

He rushed to his room and looked around in his drawers until he found a rubber band. He put it on his wrist and snapped it against the tender skin. This always kept him from eating.

Yes, Shawn had many tips to keep him from eating. After all, this was not the first time he had forced himself to lose weight. Back when he was 14, a group of cheerleaders had made a nasty comment about his weight and he fell into the world of eating disorders. He had managed to get to 73 pounds before Gus and Henry found out and had him hospitalized and sent to therapy. But therapy never worked for him, his mom was a therapist after all, he knew how to lie to get the therapists to think he was healthy.

Gus's voice suddenly rang out, telling him to hurry up. Shawn snapped the rubber band against his wrist again. Gus would help him if he told him about his problem, but no, Shawn needed to lose the weight, and after all he deserved to suffer. He needed to regain control. Another snap of the rubber band and Shawn was out the door following Gus.

When they arrived at the department Shawn immediately felt self conscious. He was wearing a large sweater and baggy jeans, but was sure that everyone could see his fat anyways. He fingered his rubber band and forced a smile on his face.

"Hey Jules!" he said cheerfully to the blonde detective. She smiled back, but Shawn thought he saw a cringe behind her smile. Shawn began to get nervous. Just how obvious was his fat? Was he the only one who hadn't been able to see it, who had needed a couple of old men to show him? He swallowed self consciously but then his heart fluttered as none other than Carlton Lassiter walked up.

"What the hell are you doing here, Spencer?" he asked. "No one wants you here."

Shawn's smile faded and his heart clenched painfully, but he forced the grin back on. Just as he was about to answer, however, Declan walked up.

"Now detective, that's no way to treat a lady," he joked. Everyone laughed, including Gus. Shawn felt his cheeks burn but joined in laughing anyways. He couldn't let people see the real him, then they'd turn him away for sure, as if his weight wasn't enough of an excuse for people to be disgusted with him.

"Ha ha, says the man with the girliest eyelashes known to humanity," he shot back.

"Hey, at least I don't have to wear giant sweaters to hide my man-boobs!"

Everyone burst into hysterical laughter at that. A few officers nearby who were listening clapped Declan on the back, Juliet was turning red behind her hand, Gus was in danger of suffocating from laughter and Lassiter was laughing so hard he thought his lungs might burst. Shawn's stomach dropped. Oh god, it was really obvious, wasn't it? How could he have not seen how fat he was before? The fat was all over his body like wet cement, caging him in. He was going to have to lose a LOT of weight and soon.

Suddenly Chief Vick came to his rescue.

"That's enough, people!" she said, glaring at everyone. "You can joke later, right now we have work to do."

The officers went back to their paperwork and Declan, Juliet, Lassiter, and Gus choked back their laughter and straightened.

"Chief! My knight in shining linen armor, how nice to see you. Lovely day, isn't it?" Shawn asked in his usual carefree tone. The chief looked at him wearily but didn't reply. They all went into her office.

"So what's up?" Shawn wondered out loud, sticking his hands in the pocket of his sweater casually. He touched the rubber band and felt reassured, but Declan's words still rang in his ears. He looked over at Declan and saw him standing kind of close to Lassiter. Shawn felt a twinge of pain and jealousy but focused on the chief.

"We have some new information on the case," the chief explained. They were working on a drowning case, where a young male had been found dead in the ocean. "Apparently, drowning did not cause the victim's death-we found a high amount of anesthesia in his system. It has been confirmed that he was dead at least four hours before he was thrown in the ocean."

"The wife did it!" Shawn shouted suddenly. Everyone looked at him. "Oh come on, she's a nurse for crying out loud! I'm sure she has loads of anesthesia that she could use to murder him with."

"Very good, Mr. Spencer," the chief said sarcastically, "But we'll have to investigate farther to prove your point. You and Mr. Guster are free to leave now-Lassiter, O'Hara, I want you to go to the wife's house and question her. You should go with them, Declan-you could do a criminal profile on her and see if she's suspicious. Now go."

Shawn was shocked. Sure, Declan was good, he hated to admit it but he was. But the chief had known him and Gus far longer than she knew Declan, how could she not let them go with Lassiter and O'Hara?

"Chief!" Shawn whined. The chief was expecting this, and cut him off with a raised hand.

"The answer is no, Mr. Spencer. I don't think you should get involved with this case, I doubt we'll need you. You'll have to leave this to Lassiter, O'Hara, and Declan-if you go, you'll just slow them down."

Shawn's stomach dropped again. So the chief thought he was overweight too! With all the pounds he was carrying around, no wonder she thought he'd slow them down. Shawn frowned in self loathing but quickly put on another fake smile, and bounced out the door with his usual cheerful goodbyes. Gus went to a cafe and invited Shawn but he declined, pretending that he was going to Psych to research the drowned victim's wife's Facebook account for clues against the chief's command. Gus was satisfied with this lie and left. As Shawn walked to Psych it began to rain, but he was glad, because then no one could tell he was crying, hurtful words ringing in his ears:

_"No one wants you here."_

_"At least I don't have to wear giant sweaters to hide my man-boobs!"_

_"I doubt we'll need you."_

_"You'll just slow them down."_

_"What you are is 172 pounds and we don't give a damn."_

_"What you are is 172 pounds..."_

_"...172 pounds..."_

**psychaspencer: **so there you have it. again, sorry for the wait and the major OOC-ness. r&r please!


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